Self-Compassion in the Face of Perfectionism

Lately, this concept of showing oneself compassion has been on my mind. I see clients struggle all the time with giving themselves grace or care, and it makes me wonder why. I know this is not isolated to just my clients’ experiences and is an experience that is very common in our society.

As I have been reflecting on this, one thought that has imprinted itself on me is how we perceive self-compassion. I reflect on how I have viewed self-love and compassion in my most rigid times. I think it is often that we perceive loving ourselves as a “pass” or reserved for other people.

What I mean by a “pass” is: viewing giving yourself grace as something that is bartered and not freely given. For example, this internal dialogue may present like, “I’ll let this one mistake go, but you better never let it happen again.” That doesn’t feel very compassionate, does it?

But I think that sort of internal dialogue, for someone with very rigid, perfectionistic tendencies, is how self-compassion is viewed.

So how do we peel back some of this rigidity to allow space for love and grace?

For one, I think we need to be curious about that part of ourselves that is more demanding and has high expectations. Why are they here? What purpose do they serve? How have they been helpful?

Are there instances in which they reap positive rewards for their behavior?

This is an invitation to be curious about this part of yourself. They are here for a reason.

Once we can have a sense of curiosity about this part of ourselves, we can then start to appreciate them and the purpose they have served. We can begin to recognize how its presence has been helpful in keeping us connected to people and has helped us potentially survive high stress situations.

Now *cue the self-compassion!*

How can you then communicate your appreciation to this part? It needs love too…

“I appreciate how much you have helped me stay out of trouble and have kept me safe from scrutiny.”

“I appreciate how hard you have been working to keep me safe.”

“You have been doing what you felt was best to keep me going when I felt like giving up.”

That feels a bit more compassionate, doesn’t it?

That part of us has been working hard. And although the demands can feel crazy making, it has been with good intention. I wonder if by extending some love and care to this part, we can then begin to view ourselves differently.

The work does not stop here, but this is a good first step in the right direction. Ideally, we would begin to move in a direction in which we are able to find some separation from that rigid part to allow space for a more vulnerable self. But that’s for a different time.

I hope you can take something away from this that will help you give yourself the love and grace you very much deserve!

Sincerely,

Rebecca Schilling Thomas, LPC